This may seem like a funny title but it hit me today while I was driving that I want to be Dr Pepper. I really do. It may take a little explaining.
My wife and I have been having a rough patch over the last year. We have had numerous trials and tribulations that have made our relationship difficult. One thing that has remained is that we do love each other. I have a hard time explaining my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs to her. And while she is better at it, she also struggles in those categories. We have looked at books and articles and voodoo all to find something that will help, but in reality our problem is intimacy and being able to express how we need to get those feelings of intimacy from each other. Neither of us can explain what we really see the other person doing to fulfill this need to each other. I have told her that I want to feel wanted and needed for more than a paycheck and a roommate.
She understands my issues and wants to help but I cannot explain or describe what that would look like. I cannot say what she would need to do or say that would make me feel wanted and needed the way I want. I can honestly say in my entire life (insert rough childhood here) I have not had those feelings very often. So how do I describe something I feel I need when I really don’t know what it is or feels like. It is just like a hole that I know needs filled but because it has always been there I don’t know what to tell you to fill it with.
I think I have found an answer. Dr Pepper! I want to be Dr Pepper. Why you might ask? Well, my wife has a few vices and while none of them are particularly unhealthy, her obsession for Dr Pepper is one that she has. When she gets stressed, she reaches for a Dr Pepper for comfort. When she is tired, she reaches for a Dr Pepper for that pick-me-up. When she is trying to relax and unwind, she would love to do it with a Dr Pepper in hand. Hopefully you can kind of see where I am going with this. I want to be desired like she desires Dr Pepper.
I want to be her answer for when she needs to relax. I want to be her answer when she is stressed out. I want to be what she turns to when she needs a pick-me-up. She must think about it 100 times a day. (Now to be fair she does not drink a lot of it. Usually never more than a bottle a day if that) I want her to think about me 100 times a day. I want her to feel that while I may not be the answer to her problems I can at least be the crutch she uses to get through it all.
Now a lot of you may be wondering if she just shuts me out. She doesn’t, but I am also not at the forefront of her thoughts. I am an item on her list of things to get accomplished. I am something that she schedules in but is the first to be pushed out when there is no room. Rather than sneaking off into the other room for a little alone time with the two of us to talk or frolic, she would rather grab a drink of Dr Pepper. Instead of letting me rub her shoulders and helping her unwind she grabs a drink of Dr Pepper. I want to be that drink. I want to be that person to her. I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I desire to be desired and all I want is to be able to return the same feelings and actions to her. I want her to be a priority in my life. I have worked for a long time to make that happen. Am I perfect at it? Absolutely not, but I continue to work at it. And I want to get the same from her. I want her to look into my eyes and I want to see that desire for me. I want to see the need or the relief that I am finally there to be with her. I don’t want to see the look of “finally someone to take over so I can grab a quick drink of Dr Pepper”.
Today we went to counseling and we had too much stuff to cover that we did not get all we needed out of the session. We did updates and answered a few questions and I got quizzed about a lot of things but we did not even approach this subject until we were almost out of time. Then it was rushed and we both left feeling upset and unsettled. We both hate leaving that way and we will surely talk about it once we have the time, but that could be days.
So instead, I will sit here watching her reach into the fridge, grab a bottle of Dr Pepper by the neck and feel insanely jealous of a little bottle of soda.