I am trying to write something, anything really but I can’t. Everything I write I erase because I know the words I am using are not right. I know the meaning I believe they have will not be what others take from them. I want to open up and let it all out but it is hopeless. In order for me to let it all out I need someone or something there to catch it all. I cannot let it all just go because I don’t know where it will end up. I don’t know where it may go that it will come back and haunt me.
I spent the last few days trying to make things as special as I could for everyone. I was able to get the gifts my kids wanted and I even was able to surprise my wife a little. But in the end it really didn’t matter. I am still me and I will continue to not understand and because of that I constantly seem to make things worse. At the end of what I thought was a good Christmas, I ask one question while reading a book that changed my whole perspective. Maybe I just thought it was good and because I wanted it to be so badly, I only saw what I wanted to see. I missed all the mistakes and little things that ended up really making the difference.
It could have been the lack of sleep as I did not sleep at all on Christmas eve. It could have been my Christmas eve spent in the ER rather than home with my family. I could have been any number of things but in the end it was just me. All the other things are just excuses for things I should have known or things I should have done differently. They are excuses for things that really have no excuse.
And then there was the question that have not made things the same since. So here I am again wondering where I will be tomorrow. Who will I be and will it be enough?
Is it ever?