Is it ever enough?

atelphobia

I am trying to write something, anything really but I can’t.  Everything I write I erase because I know the words I am using are not right.  I know the meaning I believe they have will not be what others take from them.  I want to open up and let it all out but it is hopeless.  In order for me to let it all out I need someone or something there to catch it all.  I cannot let it all just go because I don’t know where it will end up.  I don’t know where it may go that it will come back and haunt me.

I spent the last few days trying to make things as special as I could for everyone.  I was able to get the gifts my kids wanted and I even was able to surprise my wife a little.  But in the end it really didn’t matter.  I am still me and I will continue to not understand and because of that I constantly seem to make things worse.  At the end of what I thought was a good Christmas, I ask one question while reading a book that changed my whole perspective.  Maybe I just thought it was good and because I wanted it to be so badly, I only saw what I wanted to see.   I missed all the mistakes and little things that ended up really making the difference.

goodenough

It could have been the lack of sleep as I did not sleep at all on Christmas eve.  It could have been my Christmas eve spent in the ER rather than home with my family.  I could have been any number of things but in the end it was just me.  All the other things are just excuses for things I should have known or things I should have done differently.  They are excuses for things that really have no excuse.

And then there was the question that have not made things the same since.  So here I am again wondering where I will be tomorrow.  Who will I be and will it be enough?

Is it ever?

large

 

6 thoughts on “Is it ever enough?”

  1. From someone who has heard all her life that she will NEVER be good enough for anything or anyone, I still question if everything I say or do is good enough. I still try to people please, I still have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I wasn’t good enough for almost everything in my life. Just now, I looked at a photo of my son and realized that I was good enough for him, that I was the best parent I could be and he had a much happier and better childhood than I, surrounded by love. You ARE good enough, you ARE worth it, and YOU MATTER! I hope you were able to get some rest and get better soon.

    Like

  2. I did not know there was a word for that, but I feel the same way. Therapy does not help. I am supposed to change 53 years of thoughts and behavior, by listening to 45 minutes of textbook psychology.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s