I am trying to write something, anything really but I can’t. Everything I write I erase because I know the words I am using are not right. I know the meaning I believe they have will not be what others take from them. I want to open up and let it all out but it is hopeless. In order for me to let it all out I need someone or something there to catch it all. I cannot let it all just go because I don’t know where it will end up. I don’t know where it may go that it will come back and haunt me.
I spent the last few days trying to make things as special as I could for everyone. I was able to get the gifts my kids wanted and I even was able to surprise my wife a little. But in the end it really didn’t matter. I am still me and I will continue to not understand and because of that I constantly seem to make things worse. At the end of what I thought was a good Christmas, I ask one question while reading a book that changed my whole perspective. Maybe I just thought it was good and because I wanted it to be so badly, I only saw what I wanted to see. I missed all the mistakes and little things that ended up really making the difference.
It could have been the lack of sleep as I did not sleep at all on Christmas eve. It could have been my Christmas eve spent in the ER rather than home with my family. I could have been any number of things but in the end it was just me. All the other things are just excuses for things I should have known or things I should have done differently. They are excuses for things that really have no excuse.
And then there was the question that have not made things the same since. So here I am again wondering where I will be tomorrow. Who will I be and will it be enough?
Is it ever?
And I Didn`t Look Back 
I hate these feelings. They’re very destructive. I hope you and I both handle them safely
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I do to even though it seems pointless at times.
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Unfortunately
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We are not…any of us… good enough…but God is…and He loves us.
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From someone who has heard all her life that she will NEVER be good enough for anything or anyone, I still question if everything I say or do is good enough. I still try to people please, I still have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I wasn’t good enough for almost everything in my life. Just now, I looked at a photo of my son and realized that I was good enough for him, that I was the best parent I could be and he had a much happier and better childhood than I, surrounded by love. You ARE good enough, you ARE worth it, and YOU MATTER! I hope you were able to get some rest and get better soon.
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I did not know there was a word for that, but I feel the same way. Therapy does not help. I am supposed to change 53 years of thoughts and behavior, by listening to 45 minutes of textbook psychology.
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